Sunday marked the one year anniversary of when I found out my marriage was over. I haven’t seen her since October, 2013 and there really isn’t any communication except for the occasional email. I woke up to one of those emails this morning and it got me to thinking about relationships.
From time to time, I’m tempted to contact her in some way. She doesn’t live far and I drive by her apartment at least once a week. Receiving her email this morning got me thinking about us. Could we have any kind of friendship? It didn’t take me long to realize that we can’t. I still love my ex. I imagine that I always will. But if I can’t have a loving relationship with her, then there’s really nothing in it for me. Maybe some day that will change, but right now, it’s not the right thing for me.
And this got me to thinking about what I miss most in not being in a loving relationship. Intimacy (not the physical part though I do miss that too) and trust. I miss having “her” there to talk to about everything under the sun whether it be work, or what a friend may be struggling with, or what I just read. I miss the sharing. Yes, I have a couple good friends I can do that with to a degree, but it’s not the same. Sometimes I get tired of the secrets. I want that one person I can turn to and say everything to that’s on my mind because I know I can trust her and it won’t go any further. I miss being in love and being loved.