Anniversary

Sunday marked the one year anniversary of when I found out my marriage was over. I haven’t seen her since October, 2013 and there really isn’t any communication except for the occasional email. I woke up to one of those emails this morning and it got me to thinking about relationships.

From time to time, I’m tempted to contact her in some way. She doesn’t live far and I drive by her apartment at least once a week. Receiving her email this morning got me thinking about us. Could we have any kind of friendship? It didn’t take me long to realize that we can’t. I still love my ex. I imagine that I always will. But if I can’t have a loving relationship with her, then there’s really nothing in it for me. Maybe some day that will change, but right now, it’s not the right thing for me.

And this got me to thinking about what I miss most in not being in a loving relationship. Intimacy (not the physical part though I do miss that too) and trust. I miss having “her” there to talk to about everything under the sun whether it be work, or what a friend may be struggling with, or what I just read. I miss the sharing. Yes, I have a couple good friends I can do that with to a degree, but it’s not the same. Sometimes I get tired of the secrets. I want that one person I can turn to and say everything to that’s on my mind because I know I can trust her and it won’t go any further. I miss being in love and being loved.
DRM 2014

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12 thoughts on “Anniversary

  1. I second the last sentence. I have given up. I know you have not and I admire you greatly for that. I have just given up. I can’t see the point anymore for possessing a heart that only seems to break apart.

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  2. Having watched a brother and sisters marriages break up for different reasons I have an idea of how very difficult it is. You mourn an expected future, and a relationship you imagined to be very different.
    Both my brother and sister did grieve. It was a very difficult and lonely time for them, but can I say that they are both in very different places now. I think if i asked them they would say they are happier now than ever before.
    Hang in there, you sound like someone with so much love to give. I think in time you will love again, maybe like my siblings, not with such abandon as before, but you can and will love again. I hope your week is improving. Anniversaries are the pits!

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    • I know I will be ok Tric and I’ll find mutual love… eventually. The interesting thing is that some good things have come into my life that wouldn’t have happened if I was still married. I also hoped my grieving would be closer to being over but apparently I have a ways to go.

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      • Grieving anything is hard, and tiring. My friend who is grieving her son, said recently, ‘I’ve had it with this grieving”. But it goes on.
        At least you have your writing. It’ll be interesting in years to come to see how that reflects the changes in your life.

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  3. Dan I want what you said in that last sentence as well male though of course I miss that most I think is the trusting part and not having to always watch what I say!
    This my friend is not an anniversary I would say happy to but it shows how strong you are and now you can look back thank God you made it one year! You don’t have to post this! From my heart to your I wish you Love! 😄 I pray you find it!

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    • The thing is that I have found love again. We’re not a couple, though we’ve beat around that bush quite a bit. Even if it doesn’t work out, I know that I can find someone because it’s already happened and much sooner than I expected. =)

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