Only You

I look at you as you sit in pain and wish you could see the power you wield. You may think yourself weak, but you are the most powerful person I know. You are the only one who has the power over how you feel. Whether it be happy or sad, the choice is yours. You are the only one who can put yourself on the path to happiness or sadness. Whether it is to let go of what it hurting you or to hold tightly and embrace the sadness which accompanies it, the choice is yours and yours alone. That’s not to say you have to face the struggle alone, but let’s face it, only you can make that ultimate choice.
DRM 2014

About: Six months. It’s been six months since I moved out of the apartment I shared with my (soon-to-be ex) wife. It wasn’t hard to do because I knew there was no saving our marriage and I was the one with a place to go. What was hard was the grief I felt over loving this woman for twenty plus years. I still wanted her as my wife even though she had made it clear that wasn’t in the cards. As I moved in with my parents (yippee), I felt so powerless. It took me months to realize the power I wielded. I was the only one who could make the hard choices I’ve made since to start the healing process. I was the one who made the choice to push her and her family away.

I think the hardest part of that was knowing that I would probably never see my nieces again; and the youngest was my favorite out of all my nieces and nephews. She was the one who made me feel the most special and loved and who I so enjoyed and now she was gone. And this is where friendship enters into the picture. While I knew I wielded this power, it took the love and help of a dear friend to help me see what I had to do. And don’t think that I took her advice the first time. Oh no. It took (one of my favorite phrases lately) baby steps to put my feet on that path.

It’s been six months, and while I still have a ways to go, I am in a much better place. I went for a walk on this beautiful day and thought of my wife. I thought of some of the things I missed about her. And you know what, I didn’t miss the partner she had become. I missed the woman I married and the woman who fought with me day after day to keep our marriage together and keep each other sane. Unfortunately, that woman left me a while ago without me quite noticing. Yes, I saw the signs, but… I loved her. I still love her. But I do not miss the changes that came over her when she was dealing with me. So while my decision to end our friendship (she wanted to try to keep that) was a hard one, it was the right one.

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